Sense of Independnce Lost

 It was time to leave, but I was really scared! For two or three days before I was suppose to leave all I did just about was cry? I was crying because of the unknown. I was crying because I was leaving. I was crying at times and couldn't tell you why? I was crying because I wanted to go home and not go to Mama's. Realistically I knew I couldn't make it by myself at home, but that didn't mean my heart and desire didn't want to be at home. In some of my thoughts I could make it at home? Looking back now I realize that I could not have made it at home by myself! I was no where near to the point I needed to be mentally. I could not reign my thoughts in to make sound decisions. I was still too impulsive! I have always been a pretty outspoken person. But I realized at this time I was having a problem with it. Trying to have a conversation was difficult because if I didn't say what I was thinking in the middle of the conversation I would be lost in the conversation. When trying to do something I felt I had to do it at that moment or the thoughts would be lost for me. For a brain racing so fast, I realize now there where a lot of miss-fires going on in my brain. Parts of my brain were dead or needed to heal. Parts had to be retrained.

 The day I was suppose to leave in-patient rehab at Stall worth was a very difficult day! I had cried until I didn't think I could cry any more. I guess I should have been happy that I had progressed enough to leave? I was leaving what had become "normal" for me. Would I be able to manage at Mama's without putting too much on Mama and John? I was going to the place I had grown up in as a child, but it was no longer home. Home to me is a place you feel like you belong and are loved. I was a fish out of water. I will be forever grateful and thankful that Mama and John were able to take me in at the time of my release from Stall worth! They were able to take me to outpatient therapy at Stall worth. Mama helped me a lot with thought processes. I don't really know how to explain how my mind was messed up except to maybe compare it to when something really dramatic happens in your life and at the time you just can't get your thoughts together. Thank you Mama and John  for helping me began the road back. Thank you Lisa for the exercise and encouragement. Thank all of you for not letting me give up! I felt I was a burden, because I was a burden.  I apologize that I caused everybody to change their daily routines. I am very appreciative of all the help and love given! I was in a house full of people, but I was very lonely and scared? I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was feeling, because  I would just start crying and that was uncomfortable for me and them.

Talk of Leaving?

 I realized that I couldn't stay at Stall worth forever? I was excited about leaving, but at the same time scared to death! I could now get in and out of the bed myself! Yes, this was a big thing! Because I had come from wallowing round like a beached whale   to being able to get up and down! Mind you slowly, but was able to manage it! I was still having problems with the whinie-crynies! I would just start crying for no apparent reason? I would understand this much later!  There is goodness in the corporate world! At the time of the stroke I had worked my last day at Pathologist Laboratory the day before the stroke.  They covered me with insurance until January of the next year. They are a great group of caring people! Thank y'all so much for the prayers, visits, and thoughts. Back to the thought of going home?  I didn't know if I was ready?
     But of course, it doesn't matter your thoughts. The insurance company decides when it is time for you to leave. Dr. O'Duffy and the therapists team all agreed that I  was to the point I could go home with out-patient theraphy? Now the big question could I go home? In my mixed up confused state I thought I could go home and take care of myself? I now know it was my brain messing with me! Because at the time I was starting to realize that I was not thinking the smartest at all times. One evening there was something on my table and I was trying to decide if I could reach it with my foot? You would be surprised what I can pick up with my toes! In the end I decided if I tried to get it from the table I would be in the floor.

Joy Ride

One day in therapy Joy and Kelly ask me if I  would be interested on going on a field trip? I had only been outside a couple of times to the "garden" area. They thought I could handle my wheelchair well enough to get there and back. A chance to eat something besides hospital mush was a blessing. I had on occasion had a chance to eat something different. Mama had brought some plates down. I have always enjoyed Mama's cooking! Brian and Anna took me across the street to go to Taco Bell.  I thought yeah I want to jump all over this opportunity! We were going to the Pancake Pantry! I had never been there before, but that didn't matter it was a way out to get some food. I thought they were going to load us on a bus to take us there? But the day of our joy ride was in wheelchairs. By this time I could get some around pretty fast in the wheelchair. We got out on that sidewalk and I was gone I was flying it seemed like!  I was enjoying being outside! I was enjoying the freedom! We finally made it to Pancake Pantry. I didn't realize they could make pancakes in so many different ways!  I chose the sweet potato pancakes. They were delicious with the sugar-free caramel syrup they had. I was in hog heaven! I had promised I would be on my best behavior for this trip! I only pulled my chap stick , mirror, and change purse out of my "pocket"! Of course I needed the chap sick to protect my lips from the wind on the way back! I needed to pay for my meal. I needed the mirror to make sure I didn't have food on my face as I was still unable to feel on the left side of my face.