Sense of Independnce Lost

 It was time to leave, but I was really scared! For two or three days before I was suppose to leave all I did just about was cry? I was crying because of the unknown. I was crying because I was leaving. I was crying at times and couldn't tell you why? I was crying because I wanted to go home and not go to Mama's. Realistically I knew I couldn't make it by myself at home, but that didn't mean my heart and desire didn't want to be at home. In some of my thoughts I could make it at home? Looking back now I realize that I could not have made it at home by myself! I was no where near to the point I needed to be mentally. I could not reign my thoughts in to make sound decisions. I was still too impulsive! I have always been a pretty outspoken person. But I realized at this time I was having a problem with it. Trying to have a conversation was difficult because if I didn't say what I was thinking in the middle of the conversation I would be lost in the conversation. When trying to do something I felt I had to do it at that moment or the thoughts would be lost for me. For a brain racing so fast, I realize now there where a lot of miss-fires going on in my brain. Parts of my brain were dead or needed to heal. Parts had to be retrained.

 The day I was suppose to leave in-patient rehab at Stall worth was a very difficult day! I had cried until I didn't think I could cry any more. I guess I should have been happy that I had progressed enough to leave? I was leaving what had become "normal" for me. Would I be able to manage at Mama's without putting too much on Mama and John? I was going to the place I had grown up in as a child, but it was no longer home. Home to me is a place you feel like you belong and are loved. I was a fish out of water. I will be forever grateful and thankful that Mama and John were able to take me in at the time of my release from Stall worth! They were able to take me to outpatient therapy at Stall worth. Mama helped me a lot with thought processes. I don't really know how to explain how my mind was messed up except to maybe compare it to when something really dramatic happens in your life and at the time you just can't get your thoughts together. Thank you Mama and John  for helping me began the road back. Thank you Lisa for the exercise and encouragement. Thank all of you for not letting me give up! I felt I was a burden, because I was a burden.  I apologize that I caused everybody to change their daily routines. I am very appreciative of all the help and love given! I was in a house full of people, but I was very lonely and scared? I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was feeling, because  I would just start crying and that was uncomfortable for me and them.