Where Did I Go?

I had tried so hard over the years to build my self confidence and to figure out "who I was"? Before the stroke I had that figured out and had the walls up to protect who I thought myself to be at the time. Well the stroke blew those walls away and left me bare! I lost my voice. I felt less than a person? I felt like I didn't deserve anything, that I shouldn't ask for anything. I felt if I wasn't contributing, then I should just try to be invisible. Yes I could speak, but I was afraid to speak for myself? When your lively-hood and life depends on someone else you tend to keep your mouth shut, even when you think something is unjust. Yes, I realize that my brain was healing ,but I felt that people thought I was stupid or something? I may have been a little scattered in my thinking , but there was nothing wrong with the perception part of my brain?  I still had feeling. I still knew when people were uncomfortable with the situation. I could still feel when I was not wanted somewhere. I could still feel when someone tried to belittle me in a "sly" way, trying to make it seem humorous? I did not find the humor in it , all I felt was pain and betrayal. I have a great sense of humor, but I don't find humor at someone's  pain funny? I find that to be a bully! Mama started helping me with trying to get help with disability and trying to get into TRC( Tennessee Rehabilitation Center) in Smyrna. Unless you are totally bedridden a lot of the programs out there will not help you. There is help out there you just have to dig for the help. If you are bedridden the Center for Aging and Disability is a good start.

Speed Bumps

  Have you ever been somewhere that you thought you might not feel like a stranger? I was going to my Mama's home. The home that I spent the majority my childhood.  I do appreciate Mama and John letting me come to there home to try and get better. The key words their home. I was the stranger. I hope the Lord sees fit to mever to put us in that situation again!   We started going to Vanderbilt Stallworth outpatient after I was released from inpatient. This was a whole new ballgame? They were nothing like the therapists I had for inpatient. To me they were a sadistic group of people. They were all just worrying about who had the brightest light? They did everything different than I had been doing upstairs? I'm not saying right or wrong but just painfully different. I have come to realize about therapists, is just like life it just depends on whom you are dealing with at the time. Some you click with and some you don't click with. For me the clickers I got the most benefit working with them. I don't remember the therapists names. The occupational therapist made a board out of some type of moulding material and would use scotch tape to tape my hand to the board. She would tape it so tight that by the end of the session the tape would be making a cut mark in my hand.  The whole time she was taping she was laughing about the pain? The physical therapists had a personality like a brick wall.  If you were walking with her and you made a move she didn't like she would give you a wedgie like you had never seen before, even though I wore a gait belt. A gait belt would go around your waist and a therapist would normally hold onto the belt to help when walking. To be fair and truthful I now realize they could have been the best in the world, but I still would not have liked them because they were not Joy and Kelly. Change is hard!!

Long and Winding Road

  As I started on the road to recovery there was not a map. The only thing I had were 4 destinations, speech, left arm and hand, left leg, and brain. The destination for speech was to be understood and not sound like Forrest Gump! To my ears that is what I sounded like when I heard myself speak. I guess I should have been glad that I could speak at all! My grandfather had a stroke. I know Papa had to be extremely frustrated? His stroke took his speech from him. Mama explained to me that back when Papa had his stroke they didn't have the therapy they have now. Papa was just sent home to deal with it the best he could? He did a great job with what he had to work with at the time. If only I knew then what I know now? The destination for the arm and hand was to get use of it again.  The destination for the leg was to walk again without a cane and not use a wheelchair. The destination for the brain was just to be able to think "reasonably" again. OK, start your engines! Here we go on the journey. While staying at Mama's we worked alot on trying to get the brain organized again? I would try to read and figure out something and my brain would give out and shut down on me? I would get sooooo tired and sleepy that I just had to stop and rest! Even today I still have some of the same problems. Worse than the brain getting tired was my problem with organizing thoughts. Like if I was trying to tell you a recipe I would think in my head how to do the recipe, but by the time I was trying to speak what I was thinking it would not come out like I had put it together in my brain?  Things that used to be so easy.