"Controlled Enviroment"

  I finally have arrived at TRC! This would prove to be a hard and joyous journey at times! I would meet some really GREAT people along this journey. We were all there trying to overcome some problem. I was in the TBI (traumatic brain injury) program. There were several other programs on campus, but they were across the street in other buildings. The TBI program was in a building separate from the other buildings. There were a lot of rules! I understood the need for the rules. If not for the rules it would have been utter CHAOS. For example, in the TBI program we would have 16 to 18 students in a classroom. I know for myself, I had problems holding a thought long enough to have a conversation. If I didn't say it when I was thinking a thought the thought could be lost.  With several others having the same problem, it could have been a nightmare, with all of us trying to talk at the same time. When I first arrived at TRC I was still having a lot of problems with the "winnie-crynies". It is embarrassing to just start crying for no apparent reason. It was at this point I realized that I could not control the crying just because I wanted to control it. Dr. Fletcher  refered me to the "winnie-crynie" doctor. I am sorry I can't remember her name. She put me on a low dose of Celexa. Celexa is a drug for depression. My understanding of the whole situation was for anybody that had a brain injury the crying is a natural part of the brain healing.


The Celexa did help. It sure isn't a walk in the park, dealing with the healing part.  I had to deal with the anger, the grieve, the feeling of helplessness.  I  was angry with myself. I believe I had been having mini-strokes weeks before the "big event". It wasn't that I was ignoring the mini-strokes, but I felt I could not take off work to go to the doctor. I could not afford to miss my pay if I took off to go to the doctor. I was afraid of losing my job if I took off to go to the doctor. If I had known then what I know now, none of those reasons would have mattered.  I ended up losing it all anyway, and so much more! Listen to your body, it is talking to you all the time. Weeks before the stroke my brain felt like it had short circuits. I would be driving, and I would need to put my blinker on, but I would turn the radio up. I found myself when having a conversation with someone, I would give an answer that had nothing to do with what we were talking about at the time. I felt at times I would be "blacking out"?  I should have listened to my body! I could only be mad at myself! Nobody could have beaten me up better than I beaten  myself up? I had to grieve the old self lost. I feel the person I was before the stroke died with the stroke? Maybe I didn't really know myself before the stroke?  Where did that person go that could handle two or three things at one time? Where did that person go that could read and comprehend what she was reading without feeling like it drains every brain cell in her body? Where did that person go that felt like there wasn't anything she couldn't do if she put her mind to it? Where did her sense of humor go? What window did her social skills fly out of? Where did she go? I had to realize that she dead! I had to let her go. and realize what I was left with is who I am now!