Nearing The End

  I remember near the end of my time at Stallworth. we would continue to work on my arm and leg , and speech therapy. We also started working on things for daily living. We tried to learn to get in and out of the bathtub? No, let me correct that! We were trying to get on and off a shower chair in the bathtub. I would give just about anything to get in a tub of water and soak! We were taken to a mock living room, dining room, and kitchen.  They got the ingredients for each of us to cook something? I chose to make Ooey Gooey Butter Cookies. I remember telling Dr. O'Duffy about them the day before I was suppose to bake them and she was explaining what to eat and what not to eat. and these didn't sound healthy. Of course she is a beautiful  intelligent tall lanky woman. To me she always dressed like she was stuck in the 70's. At the time I found it interesting. The next day she came to make rounds and I was in making my cookies. She came in just as I was fixing to take out the first batch. First she tried to tell the cookies were not done? I explained to her that was the way they were suppose to look. We took the cookies out. needless to say, "the these don't sound good for you" went out the window! She ate 3 and took 2 or 3 with her and wanted the recipe. I could do nothing but laugh! I realized  that some of the things I enjoyed doing before the stroke were not going to be easy or maybe not possible? I would for sure have to figure out different ways to do things. In my mind at this time things were so jumbled that I couldn't figure it out!  I was worried about too many things to really concentrate even if I could concentrate! Thinking and reasoning at this time was still very difficult.

Moving Right Along

        It;s hard not to compare your progress with others that you are in rehab with at the time. I now realize that rehab can be just as individual as each person. There was a lady that started therapy the same time as I started therapy, but after about 4 weeks she went home? At the time and many more times I  had to realize that I can't compare my progress to another's progress. Each person has different  problems, and it depended on how severe the stroke. It also depends on what part of the brain was damaged? It would make me think when someone left before I did that maybe I wasn't as deserving or they knew some secert I didn't know? It wasn't that I didn't want it as much as they wanted the recovery? Woe is me just get up and conquer this  problem! Oh if it could have been that easy! We would continue daily trying to get the arm and leg to respond with  electric machines (Tens Unit). The machine would send a current to stimulate the arm or leg to respond? I looked forward  to therapy every day! At this point I couldn't dress myself, but my trips to the bathroom was getting easier! I had not fallen since the time when I first started trying to go to the bathroom. The fall happened  one evening and the nursing tech that I had that evening I wasn't comfortable working with. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom , and when I was ready to go back to bed  we tried to get up and my left leg would just not hold me. I remember asking the lady to wait until  we  got more help. She refused and said we could do it ourselves? I should have refused to moved until we got more help. We tried to get back to the chair, and the next thing I knew I was in the floor! The only thing I can say about this is if it don't feel right, Don't Do IT!

I Am Erect

 It had finally came my turn to try the walking simulator! I was taken to the room for the "round table." To get to the machine you are hooked first to something that looks like a pair of drawers with braces. After you are hooked to the drawers the machine then hoist you to a standing position. This is not the most comfortable experience! It's like  someone just yanked your drawers all the way up to your neck! After you are in the standing position, you pretend to walk. The machine monitors all sorts of things? Beats the heck out of me what it monitirs? I'm sure I looked like Frankenstien trying to walk I remember at this time I was still in La-La land! La-La land for me, was I could hear you telling me something but it didn't go anywhere to click! It was just a big ole DUH! I must have not done great on my first try because it would be some time before I would get to try it again? I went back to doing strengthening exercises.

     While the leg and arm rehab  proved to be daunting. The mind excercises was a nightmare! I remember I just couldn't find the left of anything I was working on  in rehab. If the page wasn't rolling on me it just all ran together. I would try to pick letters out on the page, of course, I would miss the ones on the left side. The most difficult part was trying to focus. When I tried to focus really hard my brian would just say NO MORE!
It would make me tired and sleepy! This has proved to be a difficult task even today! Before the stroke I could read forever and it not bother me. I have worked at jobs that required extrene focus and concentration! I know now I could no longer do the work I did in the past. In the mist of all the rehab, my thoughts were  how  I am going to take care of myself? There was alot of denial on my part, I remember making remarks to Dr, O'Duffy and she would look at me like I had two heads! I at one point told her I would be back to work in two weeks? Funny it's been almost two years and I ain't back to work yet!

Soapbox

I certainly hope what I going to write doesn't upset anyone, but  this also is part of a stroke! Do you know how many times I have heard it's going to get better? Many times I have believed it, but more often I think to myself sure? I truly believe the Lord has a time allotted for each of us, obviously there was something that I needed to complete on this earth? If there wasn't I wouldn't be writing at this time! It is really hard and difficult to hold on to hope! I think it is arrogant of people to think that they can  or want someone to get better that their love, caring, and hope can make someone better? I have it better than some I know! At least I can sit in a chair, get up and move somewhat. I would think it would be the same for someone that had been in an accident, been shot, cancer, born with disabilities? That the days cam be long and never-ending. My view for the world is out my living room window.  This way of life, for me, makes you wonder about the meaning of  words like, living, life. and being alive. Sometimes I think , maybe, that people should just let you be and fall into the abyss that a person might seek? Yes, my opinion could change on this tomorrow, and more than likely will! The beginning of the day you could see a silver lining but by the end of the day it has become completely dark again with no hope? OK I'm stepping down off the soapbox now! On with the story!
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Movin On UP

  Before I move away from the mind I think it would have been easier if the depession had been dealt with early in the recovery! I started concentrating really hard on my physical theraphy. I don't remember when   I had starting getting a little movement in my left leg. I was so happy about this small progress. Joy and Kelly then started working with getting me up trying to "walk" Something that used to be so automatic. Walking had become a nightmare! I can now understand why a child goes thru the terrible two's To want to do something so bad and not quite sure how to walk? I remember we had started going back into the room where the "round table" was held. But when I  went to the room this time they had parrallel bars set up in the room. In the room there was also a machine set up to simulate walking.  I had to conquer the parrallel bars before the machine. We would spend many days at the bars and on the mats before my chance at the machine!Balance was a big issue along with the strength and endurance in my left leg. You might think it should have been just a mind over matter situation? It wasn't that I did not have the desire or want to walk! I just could not make  my legs work.


     Getting to a sitting postion proved to be a difficult task. Trying to figure out how to get the paralyzed arm and leg to move with the rest of your body proved to be daunting! It seemed I tried a million times before I could get the whole body to work together! It didn't take but a couple of times to realize the conquences of not getting the arm and leg to go with you. If you didn't get the arm to go with you it felt as if you were ripping your arm off. The pain needless to say was unbearable!