Nearing The End

  I remember near the end of my time at Stallworth. we would continue to work on my arm and leg , and speech therapy. We also started working on things for daily living. We tried to learn to get in and out of the bathtub? No, let me correct that! We were trying to get on and off a shower chair in the bathtub. I would give just about anything to get in a tub of water and soak! We were taken to a mock living room, dining room, and kitchen.  They got the ingredients for each of us to cook something? I chose to make Ooey Gooey Butter Cookies. I remember telling Dr. O'Duffy about them the day before I was suppose to bake them and she was explaining what to eat and what not to eat. and these didn't sound healthy. Of course she is a beautiful  intelligent tall lanky woman. To me she always dressed like she was stuck in the 70's. At the time I found it interesting. The next day she came to make rounds and I was in making my cookies. She came in just as I was fixing to take out the first batch. First she tried to tell the cookies were not done? I explained to her that was the way they were suppose to look. We took the cookies out. needless to say, "the these don't sound good for you" went out the window! She ate 3 and took 2 or 3 with her and wanted the recipe. I could do nothing but laugh! I realized  that some of the things I enjoyed doing before the stroke were not going to be easy or maybe not possible? I would for sure have to figure out different ways to do things. In my mind at this time things were so jumbled that I couldn't figure it out!  I was worried about too many things to really concentrate even if I could concentrate! Thinking and reasoning at this time was still very difficult.

Moving Right Along

        It;s hard not to compare your progress with others that you are in rehab with at the time. I now realize that rehab can be just as individual as each person. There was a lady that started therapy the same time as I started therapy, but after about 4 weeks she went home? At the time and many more times I  had to realize that I can't compare my progress to another's progress. Each person has different  problems, and it depended on how severe the stroke. It also depends on what part of the brain was damaged? It would make me think when someone left before I did that maybe I wasn't as deserving or they knew some secert I didn't know? It wasn't that I didn't want it as much as they wanted the recovery? Woe is me just get up and conquer this  problem! Oh if it could have been that easy! We would continue daily trying to get the arm and leg to respond with  electric machines (Tens Unit). The machine would send a current to stimulate the arm or leg to respond? I looked forward  to therapy every day! At this point I couldn't dress myself, but my trips to the bathroom was getting easier! I had not fallen since the time when I first started trying to go to the bathroom. The fall happened  one evening and the nursing tech that I had that evening I wasn't comfortable working with. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom , and when I was ready to go back to bed  we tried to get up and my left leg would just not hold me. I remember asking the lady to wait until  we  got more help. She refused and said we could do it ourselves? I should have refused to moved until we got more help. We tried to get back to the chair, and the next thing I knew I was in the floor! The only thing I can say about this is if it don't feel right, Don't Do IT!

I Am Erect

 It had finally came my turn to try the walking simulator! I was taken to the room for the "round table." To get to the machine you are hooked first to something that looks like a pair of drawers with braces. After you are hooked to the drawers the machine then hoist you to a standing position. This is not the most comfortable experience! It's like  someone just yanked your drawers all the way up to your neck! After you are in the standing position, you pretend to walk. The machine monitors all sorts of things? Beats the heck out of me what it monitirs? I'm sure I looked like Frankenstien trying to walk I remember at this time I was still in La-La land! La-La land for me, was I could hear you telling me something but it didn't go anywhere to click! It was just a big ole DUH! I must have not done great on my first try because it would be some time before I would get to try it again? I went back to doing strengthening exercises.

     While the leg and arm rehab  proved to be daunting. The mind excercises was a nightmare! I remember I just couldn't find the left of anything I was working on  in rehab. If the page wasn't rolling on me it just all ran together. I would try to pick letters out on the page, of course, I would miss the ones on the left side. The most difficult part was trying to focus. When I tried to focus really hard my brian would just say NO MORE!
It would make me tired and sleepy! This has proved to be a difficult task even today! Before the stroke I could read forever and it not bother me. I have worked at jobs that required extrene focus and concentration! I know now I could no longer do the work I did in the past. In the mist of all the rehab, my thoughts were  how  I am going to take care of myself? There was alot of denial on my part, I remember making remarks to Dr, O'Duffy and she would look at me like I had two heads! I at one point told her I would be back to work in two weeks? Funny it's been almost two years and I ain't back to work yet!

Soapbox

I certainly hope what I going to write doesn't upset anyone, but  this also is part of a stroke! Do you know how many times I have heard it's going to get better? Many times I have believed it, but more often I think to myself sure? I truly believe the Lord has a time allotted for each of us, obviously there was something that I needed to complete on this earth? If there wasn't I wouldn't be writing at this time! It is really hard and difficult to hold on to hope! I think it is arrogant of people to think that they can  or want someone to get better that their love, caring, and hope can make someone better? I have it better than some I know! At least I can sit in a chair, get up and move somewhat. I would think it would be the same for someone that had been in an accident, been shot, cancer, born with disabilities? That the days cam be long and never-ending. My view for the world is out my living room window.  This way of life, for me, makes you wonder about the meaning of  words like, living, life. and being alive. Sometimes I think , maybe, that people should just let you be and fall into the abyss that a person might seek? Yes, my opinion could change on this tomorrow, and more than likely will! The beginning of the day you could see a silver lining but by the end of the day it has become completely dark again with no hope? OK I'm stepping down off the soapbox now! On with the story!
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Movin On UP

  Before I move away from the mind I think it would have been easier if the depession had been dealt with early in the recovery! I started concentrating really hard on my physical theraphy. I don't remember when   I had starting getting a little movement in my left leg. I was so happy about this small progress. Joy and Kelly then started working with getting me up trying to "walk" Something that used to be so automatic. Walking had become a nightmare! I can now understand why a child goes thru the terrible two's To want to do something so bad and not quite sure how to walk? I remember we had started going back into the room where the "round table" was held. But when I  went to the room this time they had parrallel bars set up in the room. In the room there was also a machine set up to simulate walking.  I had to conquer the parrallel bars before the machine. We would spend many days at the bars and on the mats before my chance at the machine!Balance was a big issue along with the strength and endurance in my left leg. You might think it should have been just a mind over matter situation? It wasn't that I did not have the desire or want to walk! I just could not make  my legs work.


     Getting to a sitting postion proved to be a difficult task. Trying to figure out how to get the paralyzed arm and leg to move with the rest of your body proved to be daunting! It seemed I tried a million times before I could get the whole body to work together! It didn't take but a couple of times to realize the conquences of not getting the arm and leg to go with you. If you didn't get the arm to go with you it felt as if you were ripping your arm off. The pain needless to say was unbearable!

Mind Games Continued

 I know now that I may have been breathing and alive at the time of stroke, but there is alot I don't remember? There have been friends that visited me at the hospital that I have no memory of at all. I do remember being in a room with an elderly black lady that also was a stroke patient. I tried talking to her, but she would not answer me, which I understand was her choice. She played a gospel CD that her daughter had made. I love music, but the same CD over and over again can get on your nerves! I was trying to get along with her. One evening my Mom had come to visit and she had turned down the cd player. Turnung down the cd player made the lady really mad. The lady called her daughters and they came in around 8:00 PM and 11:00 PM.  I had not slept good for several nights due to the late night visitors, the music , and the TV.  On this particular night they came in  pulled the curtain all the way around and talking about they were from New Orleans, and how they took care of them white people in New Orleans. There was also a different nursing staff on this night. The nurse that was giving meds was a Chinese lady. The nurse tech was a Chinese man. The nurse was talking with the daughters and I heard her say that they didn't need to worry about me because she would take care of me. I was scared  to death. I knew I couldn't defend myself if they tried anything.  I was scared to go to sleep, but I knew I had to work hard in therapy the next day. I fell asleep at some point because just as it was getting daylight. The male tech came in and AT  the foot of my bed was putting meds together in cups. I woke up enough to know that he should't be giving me meds. I refused to take them. I was scared out of my mind. I was thinking after the statements from the night before they were trying to kill me.  Finally morning came, I was still upset when Dr. O'Duffy made rounds. Thank goodness, she arranged to move me to a private room. My brother (Glenn) spoke with someone and they assured us I would not have to deal with the Chinese pair again.


I gad some really good nurses and some I wondered about their abilities. I had a nurse on day shift that I felt really comfortable working on my rehab.  For me at this time stability was really important to me. I was scared about today, and about the future. I wondered how I was going to take care of myelf, when I  couldn't even make to the bathroom. If I did get to the bathroom , I could't figure out how to get my drawers up. My balance standing up was horrific.  How would I provide for myself? I felt like I was putting a burden on everyone. I don't know what I would have done without my Mama, brothers, sisters, and my kids.. When they were there is the only time I felt safe! I can only imagne what they were going through, if it been one of them I would have wanted to take away  all the struggles and pain for them. But I  know that i would have to stand hopelessly by and hope and pray for the best. Thank God, that I have a family that supported me. This was a battle that I had to conquer myself. Thank you God, Mama, Pee-wee, Al, Naomi. Lisa, Glenn, Jennifer,Brian,Anna, friends and family  for your support and love! I couldn't have done it without you!

Mind Games

When I first started working with Amanda(Speech Theraphist). I couldn't understand why I would cry at the drop of hat? Crying I felt was the sign of a weak person? Later I would understand the crying. To tell the truth, at the beginning of theaphy even if they had tried to explain the process of a stroke to me I don't think I could have comprenhended the process of a stroke? We started working on  thought process. I remember the simiplest of thoughts would drain me ( my head felt as if I  had solved a 500 puzzle page book)!                   

I apologize for any names I may have wrong or the sequence of events. But this is all from a person that had big ole brain fart! I remember, the entire time thinking that I sounded perfectly normal, I didn't understand why I needed speech theraphy? I spoke my brother, Glenn, to get his opinion on how I sounded when I first had the stroke. His memory was different than mine. He remembered that I was not in clear in my speech. Matter of fact, they could not understand me! But, I an more fortunate than some my speech did return!

Even today my speech still bothers me. When I hear myself talk I hear a "Forrest Gump" tone! Being from the South and we carry our syllables on for days normally. Now I can make the words tommorow, funny, and money sound extremely long! Yes, I can laugh at myself, but for the life of me I can't make those words sound "normal". Now I have jumped to far ahead.

One of the problems with a stroke is you lose your side vision. There is a proper name for side vision, but at the time it is not coming to my thoughts? The problem being you lose all vision  on the outside of one side. Mine happen to be on the left, that's why they made me a button that said "LOOK TO THE LEFT".  For some reason I kept missing things to the left. When trying to read I would miss about the first 12 words on the left of an entire page . When trying to find something on a table, if it was on the left side of the table it was not visually there for me. When I was able to sit up they would put me in a wheelchair with a saftey harness. The harness which I fondly called my "thong", kept me in the chair. With my "thong and one good arm and leg I got pretty good at getting up and down the hall. A major problem with the chair I would forget to "look to the left".  Heaven forbid, if you were on my left side! It was not only limited to people, but walls, poles, carts, and chairs.

I was the "Queen of Denial"! Denial being your greatest friend!  I couldn't admit that there was a problem with my vision even when trying to read something and the pages  looking like the lines were moving up and down the page. If I could get the page to slow down long enough to read the page it made no sense. I remember thinking Oh NO! I have lost the pleasure of reading!  With speech theraphy I was able to getto the point where the pages  stopped  rolling, and was able to find the left side of the page again. I COULD READ AGAIN! This didn't happen overnight! I heard many many times look to the left! Many hours of speech theraphy.

Now Iwas able to read again! Now if I could just get my thoughts together? My thoughts could go 0 to 90 with two thoughts. My thoughts were random and out of order. I don't know if this showed in my speech? It must have affected my speech because I remember working on how to put a simple sentence together. You think to yourself how stupid have I become that I can't do a simple sentence? You at some point  realize it's not stupidity, but a new way of reasoning !In my humble opinion, the only way to try and conquer a stroke is with an open mind and a willingness for change!

Sleep eludes me?

One of the problems I have had with the stroke is the pain in my shoulder and arm. Here I sat @4:00 Saturday morning wanting so badly to sleep but, my arm feels that it weighs about 90# and every muscle in my back,  shoulder, and neck feels like one huge knot.

Now back to the story! I was moved from the ICU I believe April 7, 2008 to Vanderbilt Stallworth Hospital, which would be my "home" for what seemed like an eternity. I remember laying in bed thinking if I had gotten over open heart surgery in about six weeks surely I could do the same with a stroke? We set about the road to "recovery"? I had to learn how to swallow again, Funny really if you think about it, one of the problems that had brought me to this place, I had to learn to do again. They would gather us all up and take us to a room to eat together to make sure we didn't choke? I would later kid that they were taking us to the round table, I did not care for the round table, but eventually I was able to eat the "dog mush" in my room. At least then it was by myself and not anyone saying don't eat so fast or how much I could have on my spoon or what to drink first/ I remember a "drink" when I first started drinking, I can't remember the name of it, but the best way to describe is a really thick jello, with the taste of mucus cough syrup. I understand now the safety and why I had to drink it then, but doesn't mean that I liked it . But I would soon learn that there would be alot of things I didn't like....  I remember starting PT (Physical Theraphy) and trying to learn to sit up and not be a "wobble", but I couldn't be a "wobble" because wobble's webble but they don't fall down. I eventually learned to sit again. Then we started to work on the legs. Thank goodness I had a great physical therphist's  and her name was Kelly. My OT (Occupational Therapist) was Joy. I will always be grateful for their help. While working on the leg and arm was difficult, the mind and the heart proved to be the most difficult.  In my mind I was still going to back to "normal" in six weeks. My speech therapist Amanda had the most difficult task, convincing me that I would not be able to get up and go back to work.  I remember Amanda and I had a session and I  was talking about going to work, and it dawned on me that I wasn't going to be able to start my new job on April 14th.  I remember I cried the rest of the day, I was devastated! I realized I had to admit defeat and call Maurice and tell him that I would not be able to take the job. I don't know which was worst that I wasn't going to able to take the job or having to call him and admit this was something that I could not just bounce back from? I had always been in my mind such a strong person. There was nothing that I couldn't do if I set my mind to it!

The Nightmare Begins

Before we start, I understand everyone's experience of a stroke is different. That's why we are called individuals! Along my journey of telling you this story, if anyone has suggestions or comments on how you have dealt with your stroke, I would greatly appreciate your comments or suggestions! With that being said, here we go!  Friday, March 26,2008, I had just completed a day to end one career and waiting to start a new career on April 14, 2008. If I had only known....? I had awaken Saturday March 27,2008 with a slight headache, tried to do some Saturday housework, as the day went on the headache became worst. After lunch I sat down and tried to work on a quilt top, but my head I felt was going to blow up, little did I know that is exactly what was occurring? I then again trying to decide what to do I thought I would just lay down a bit and see if  my head would ease up? The pain in my head was to extreme to lay down, I went the the bathroom, the next thing I knew I remember seeing some men trying to put me on a stretcher. The next thing I remember was being at University Medical Center. I don't know how long I was there. But at one poin,t I do remember hear the nursing staff talk about sending me to Vanderbilt Hospital by life flight. I wanted to tell them I had rather not fly, but it had started raining and I went to Vanderbilt by ambulance. At this point it had still not registered with me exactly what was going on or how serious the situation was at the time? If I remember correctly, it still hadn't dawned on me that I was paralyzed on one side. I just know I was scared and confused! I remember hearing people ask questions and in my head I had answered them, now realizing that they probably couldn't understand me? I remember being in ICU an seeing some family and friends! The only other thing I remember from ICU was trying to sit up and dance to the song "Put on your Boogie Shoes" It was at this point that I thought hey ,something REALLY bad happened! This is the first segment many more to come to get you to my place in the road! The only advice I can give is stay out of the middle of the road! LOL! Yes, I have a warped dry sense of humor!